You are more than your late night thoughts
It was the last day of 2022.
I started to lay down my body to bed in my room after spent my almost 10 minutes watching new year’s eve’s fireworks on my house’s balcony. Those empty feelings started to make my throat heavy — and a little bit strange — things that you will get in alone after catching up in a crowded place. And automatically, the pre-frontal and limbic cortex part of my brain was giving me the wrapped-up about how I spent my last day of 2022.
Maybe it was one of the warmest days that I have had in my life with my family. The morning of that day, I went out with my mom and we did some grocery shopping for our little party preparation. Not only that, we are cooking but also bought some snacks and ice creams from one of the well-named multinational junk-food restaurants. Yes, I was skipping my diet and exercise routine on that night, but I don’t regret that because I’ve dedicated that day to just having fun with my family.
I’ve said that one of the warmest days in my life because my mom gave me compliments and make me flashback about how I spent 2022. She was saying something like amazing, outstanding, and full of power about myself. I was really happy about that because yes maybe I and my mom were talking every day, but I can say that her love language is far away from those words of affirmation kind of things. So, I feel honored to get that — and yes, it came from my mom, my only true love.
The sounds from the air conditioner in my room bite the lonely feelings from the little girl inside my body even more. The 2021 version of myself maybe will face that situation by sending some messages to my friends or just making random tweets on my public account Twitter. However, 2022 was teaching me to be more careful to put my trust in other people.
For me, 2022 was full of lesson-learned to be a more kind and mature year. It started from got heartbreak because of some disappointments that I’ve got from people whom I trust and care about. However, 2022 also gave me many first-experience kinds of things — my first international award, my first romantic relationship for the whole time in my life (that maybe I will tell you later about the details in the next chapter), my first internship at a place who have the same interest and goals with me, also many others beautiful moments.
I was getting up myself and started to sit down in front of my laptop, opening the 2022 tracker that I made on the last day of 2021. If my whole life is a corporate project, I can say that the Key Performance Indicator (KPI) is more than 80%. That’s such a great number. Also from the qualitative side, I got many things — loves, people, networking, or other precious things that number can’t describe.
And like what will I do in the early phase of the year, I started to make the new spreadsheet for my 2023 tracker.
The anxious feelings were coming because I suddenly think about something that I still can’t reach in my last 2022. It was my 2021 goal, and I’ve made it in my 2022, and now I will make it in my 2023? What if maybe I will never be that good and enough to reach that thing? What if maybe Allah just gives me some signs like this is not my path? What if I will never have this thing?
The ocean’s waves hit the rocks hard like a giant thunder and tsunami inside my head. I was also thinking about anyone else’s achievements — the way they can get something that I want — and started questioning my self-worth. I know maybe some people who currently read these sentences will think if I’m just being too much. Yes, I already know those theories by reading many self-improvement books or following many motivators in my social media if we don’t need to compare ourselves with others.
But do you know how hard it is to get yourself out of a dark place in your mind? And the social media effect itself that caused the depressive symptoms in young people’s mental health, self-esteem, and sleep schedule proofed by Kelly et al. (2019)’s research?
When you thought that you already did anything to get something that you really want in your life, but still can’t get that, and you see people your age can get that — as a perfectionist and result-oriented person, it really makes me disappointed, and a little bit lost in myself.
Those thoughts were haunting me a lot on many late nights in 2022, but I still can’t figure it out until I read Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence in the middle time of December 2022. His one question definitely changed my whole mindset about something that I really want itself. The book asked, “The emotional component evolved very early: Do I eat it, or does it eat me?”. He called this the Amygdala Hijack — you know that the amygdala is our brain’s older part that has responsibilities as our problem-scanning machine — so it flushes your body full of adrenaline and stress hormones.
I just realized that yes, we all have negative thoughts that will help us safely and led to our survival through very strong emotional reactions. And like Neil Pasricha’s The Happiness Equation said, “We’re all full of self-judgments. We’re fat, lazy, don’t exercise enough, aren’t worthy of a raise, aren’t worthy of love. But sometimes we forget that we are all trying, trying, trying. We are all trying. We are all trying. And we are all getting better. You are what you are. Find what’s hidden, stop complaining (he said “apologizing, actually, but “complaining” is something that more fits into my context), and accept yourself.”
I just realized that the liters of tears that I’ve spent in my late nights in 2022 about something that I really want were just don’t worth my energy. Why do I let them eat me instead of I eat them? Even my mom believes if her oldest daughter is such an amazing, outstanding, and full of power kind of person, why do I let my own late nights thoughts drag me down?
So, as a person who already experienced it first and already did some research to find the answer, let me tell you this thing:
Don’t be so hard on yourself for feeling lost, confused, or like you haven’t achieved all that you wanted to achieve. Be patient. You’ll eventually figure it all out, and everything will make perfect sense. Every experience will get you to where you are supposed to be. Every loss, every heartbreak, and every mistake. Don’t be afraid to mess up. Believe in yourself, forget about what other people think, and trust your journey.
Don’t let your late nights’ thoughts eat you.
A new year is upon us, it’s time to close the chapter that was 2022, and trust that 2023 will be good to you. Trust that it will bring you everything last year was missing. Trust that you will find your purpose this year to create your ideal life. Trust that you will learn from the year that was; and find the courage, strength, and passion you need to make your dreams come true this year. May you grow, may you evolve, may you become everything you wish to be, and may this year be yours.
Once again, don’t let your late nights’ thoughts eat you.
I make my sight back to my laptop’s and phone’s home screen — showing me things that I really want to have in life, my dreams, my goals, my purpose, my ikigai. Something that always can make me wake up from my sleep, heal from my heartbreaks, and smile with the fastest heartbeat just to think it even on my bad days. Something that I will achieve. And something definitely worth it to fight for.
I put on a little smile and decided to re-write something that I really want from my 2022 tracker to my 2023 tracker without any regret or self-judgments.
Yes, maybe it will be that hard, hurt, or even heartbreaking. However, over the years I have learned that nothing ever goes wrong. It might not happen according to my plan but to His. And I feel perfectly safe, knowing that what He chooses for me — was chosen by Al-Kareem, the All-Wise, and Ar-Rahman, the Most Merciful.
I decided to spend my 2023 with positivity and optimism because I know if I’m more than my late nights’ thoughts and I will never let them eat me.
Because we are.
We are always more than our late nights’ thoughts.
Give yourself a little more love, be patient, and be kind.
You will get the best-in-class quality of life.
