Such A Glimpse of A Full Moon

And just like the moon, we must go through phases of emptiness to feel full again.

I am such a usual human who has feelings.

I know, that everyone knows. Maybe except you. You missed it. You always think that I am such a strong, independent, and feeling-less person. No. You were wrong. And I want you to know by writing this one. I hope you can understand — even if maybe you have no time or just a little attention to care about what I feel for you.

Sometimes I think that I want you to fulfill something missing in my life. Even if I can do everything I need independently, I still want you. Just to be there. By my side. Maybe sometimes you should hear about my bad days — the egoist colleagues, annoying boss, or even how salty my lunch is. Or even about badminton — my favorite sport, Arctic Monkeys — my favorite music band, or my current favorite TV series.

I want that cliche and little things part. No need for luxury, no need for much money. I just want to feel safe and at peace whenever I am with you. I want us to start everything from the zero together, build our future together, cry or laugh about each other achievements during this college phase together. I want us to be friends, best friends, siblings, boyfriend-girlfriend — everything. I want you to share your world with me, so do I. I want us to do that one with happiness, joy, and peaceful feelings — without any lies, secrets, or even insecurity. Because we will always be ours.

I can read anyone.

I can read their intentions to me whenever they talk — from their voice, typing style, body language, or even just from their eyes. I can read them easily, but what about you? Why I can’t read you? Why I can’t feel that “pure intentions” from you? Why I can’t feel as if that everything you did to me it’s because it’s me? Why I can’t trust you?

I can’t read you.

So I never know — and honestly, I never imagine or thinking about what you feel about me. Because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to get any rejection and disappointment because I was begging someone.

This life is tough, isn’t it?

You and I have the same goals — and I predict if you often see me as your rival when I just want to be your best friend. And I have my biggest question for you, like why? Why you were thinking if I was that good enough to be your rival? You have that perfect GPA, the most outstanding student title, and many more achievements & scholarships. What are you scared of me? Do I the only one person that thinking if there must be someone that is feeling insecure here, that should be me?

You don’t like to explain.

You like to left someone with their biggest question for you, also those not-really-good feelings for you because of your last meeting or conversation with them. You admitted it. You do like to do some silent treatment if you have some problems with someone.

Do you know what? I can’t handle it. I can’t handle if any little thing that makes me feel empty. I do like to overthink — even if I don’t like it, but my mind just keeps doing these. I can’t even stop thinking about someone’s words in my day — even they don’t serious about those words, but I took it.

I always take it.

Do you think if this is fair for me?

Even if you played some roles in my dreams, you took it as a protagonist one. You always look nice, humble, low-profile, and like to help anyone.

But why? Why I can’t feel it anymore? Why the more I know you, the more I can’t read you, the more I feel unfamiliar with you, and the more I found you as a different person?

You don’t need to say sorry — whenever you found it. If you are the one.

You don’t need to say sorry, because I was feeling full when I am with you. You gave me happiness — not in a long time, but that’s enough. I ardently understand even if a moon must go through phases of emptiness to feel full again, am I right?

You were my full moon. Our times are like a glimpse of a full moon.

It’s beautiful and meaningful, but you can’t keep it forever.

Because both of us have our own goals and maybe everything that I was talking about here, doesn’t mean anything. I have my rational choice, and I think so do you. Love can’t be a priority in our lives, am I right? And the same thing as you did, if someone asking me that what is my priority?

Then my answer is my family. My achievements. My career. My personal life. A simple thing, myself. I always want to put myself first before anything. Because I just have me in this cruel world. I never have anyone, and you know about that thing too, right?

If you still don’t understand, I will make it clear here.

You don’t need to say sorry or even a feeling of an apology.

Because you can’t heal the wound with an apology. An apology is accepted when you are late for an appointment, absent from a meeting, calling the wrong number, not when you were cracking someone’s heart.

Let’s find each other path, journey, and anything by ourselves.

It’s you and I.

Thank you for everything, and you know who you are.

— With warm hugs,

it’s Fa.

Currently studying environmental health, but also put many interests to self-development, mental illness, also women & children issues. My opinions are mine.