I Want to Die, but I Still Want to Get Life in Boston

I want to die,
but I still want to get life in Boston.

I want to surrender to my current life,
but I still ardently in love to imagine if one day, I can get life in Boston.

Sometimes I mad, sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel empty or overwhelmed, but Boston tells me to always stand up.

For me.

For them.

For us.

For our future.

I don’t know what makes me madly in love with Boston — maybe because I have a lot of dreams there. Boston is like my last port in life. Maybe everything I do right now is always towards and directed to achieve the biggest goal in my life, which is to get a life in Boston.

Maybe for some people, this dream looks small.

Isn’t it easy to have a life in Boston?

But for me — an ordinary girl from a 3rd developing country doesn’t come from a rich family either, it’s a little bit impossible.

I’m not smart enough. I’m not rich enough. I’m not capable enough.

What makes me confident to say that if one day I can have my dream life in Boston?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I want to get a life in Boston. In an educated way. In my way. With my hard work. With my own feet. There will be a time someday, when I wake up in the morning, open my apartment’s window and making coffee, see the view of the city of Boston, MA that has ethereal views. After that, I will get ready to go to my dream campus as a master’s program student who was also working in a well-known consulting company.

There is no immutable happiness.

I don’t know.

Will I be happy after getting them all?

But that’s my dream.

Biggest dreams.

Which I don’t know — can I achieve them?

Is it possible?

I want to die,
but I still want to get life in Boston.

Sometimes I cry,
but my dreams heal me like poison.

I want to die,
but I still want to get life in Boston.

Honestly, it makes me shy,
to think about them when I know how my life is going on.

I want to die,
but I still want to get life in Boston.

Jakarta, 10th May 2021.

Al, feels bad and terrible.

Currently studying environmental health, but also put many interests to self-development, mental illness, also women & children issues. My opinions are mine.

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